Saturday, December 18, 2010

Skipping Beats

I don't think you will ever understand. What it's like to look at you. To realize I have been holding my breath and to find myself surprised at the unconscious reaction. With you, I always want more. Of whatever you can give, whatever you have for me. I find myself needing so much of you that it fills me inside til I am bursting with needs. I look at you and I feel love. Not earth-shattering heartbreaking, but mind-numbing, bursting, enveloping. Can I compare? Where do I start measuring? With you, I am simply amazed. A tendency to lose myself in you brings me to pause. Can I survive the chance of loss? Can I even help myself? Silly questions. With you, I am alive.


There I go again, chasing after the past. Just a tiny crack and I slip through. If the world were in shades of grey, it would remind me of you. Like postcards or film shots; things in the past. Better left uncovered or buried deeper yet. But in slipping, I wonder: do you remember me still? how are you? what goes on now in that racy mind of yours? .. the fascination is not as strong..slow and soft now, but nonetheless, there.

Love and

I look at your picture. I wonder if I remember enough. Did those hands really hold mine for a time? It seemed so brief and yet so indefinite; like seconds in slow motion. I look again, more closely. Did those lips really touch mine? Were you able to command so much from me at one point in time? How can I forget? How can you seem like such the stranger that you are now? I see different faces with you. And yet, somehow, you belong there. Without me.

*To the good times in the past. Let's forget the bad.


There are things that break that don't make a sound; and in breaking, I find myself losing the things I thought I've found. In the silence that follows, I am transported into a dozen places all at once. Taken to memories I hardly remember. Breathing even, even as I find it hard to breathe. You don't say a word. I dare say nothing. And the shattering continues.

Friday, April 9, 2010

April Fall

It struck me how far apart we are now.. how our lives have lost almost all connections, but how just seeing your face takes me memories back. Your face is still the same, perhaps older, decidedly wiser, and etched with a certain sadness I didn't quite notice at first and I can't quite name. I wonder what your thoughts are like now. I used to ask you insensible questions about it and you'd laugh. That was so long ago, wasn't it? I have not even remembered until I stared at your face again. Your certain sadness is spreading on to me like the fall of dusk on a street--too slow to notice, but before one knows it, it's already dark. The sadness envelopes me as I scan your face. The old lines are there, more new ones too, and yet I cannot quite ignore how familiar the curve of your mouth looks, or how I used to love the way your face crinkles when you smile. I do not love you anymore. That came to me in an immediate flash. But HOW I loved you. That came in heavy, bearing implications I cannot afford. Not anymore.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


In your hand you hold my life;
And every shadow in my darkness remains at bay.
You are every breath,
every fighting hope, and
every tiny triumph in between.
You are both purpose and belief.
My only miracle.
My saving grace.

-August 24 2005

Hold On

take my hand
i will hold you down
you with your gentle eyes
i have felt your broken smile
and now i hold your pain
clench it in my hands
till you can let it go
i will hold you down
till your world spins on its own

*To one of the best friends that i've ever had; for making life easier to hold on to: let me hold you down.


"Take my hand. Meet happiness." hahaha. You said it. And i think you're right. I can't find better words. These days i wake up with less of the things that haunt me. It's amazing actually. But we should stop finishing each other's sentences. It's slightly freaky. Don't you think? haha. As well as our coincidental propensity of matching colors. Twice in a row. Three times would have been outrageous. hahaha. But seriously. In finding you? I have found a piece of me that gets perenially lost. I am grateful. And happy.

So aside from wanting to bop me in the head for being silly, i wonder if i make you happy too.


Tear me up
There is chaos inside me
You are holding everything that matters
In your hands I have laid to rest
Don’t just glide over me
Shatter me
I am not as fragile as you think
I am tangible, firm
Soft and visual
I am incessantly wanting
I am yours.


I dont remember leaving. But now when i look around its like you were never there at all. The sadness is greater than the loss. Most of the time I simply pretend that I'm fine about it and wish you well. But occassionally, when my long days eclipse into my nights, the realization that I have lost a friend is startling, stark, bold, up front and center. We knew everything about each other, at least at one point, at one time. We were friends. Secret sisters. Laughing maniacs. Daydreamers. Drunk buddies. You were a driving disaster and I was your firstmate. Partners in crime. Schemers and foolish believers. Opposites. Friends. That was a different life, wasn't it. We of that time will never be the same. At this moment, I am learning to let you go. But my hand was just always there, always ready whenever you needed me. Until you stopped needing me at all.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember what its like to hold a hand and never want to let go? To find everything that you want in a single gesture, a single voice; to laugh about even the most painful things because it is pointless to stay angry at someone you cannot stop feeling for? Do you remember looking at the one thing that could make you happy and wishing on every invisible star for a single glance that would tell you everything's alright? Do you recall wanting to talk, wanting to listen, to breathe in the scent that will never be erased from you as you stumble through days and weeks of memories? Do you recall finding the world in the circle of your arms?'s like hell to remember, and takes grace to forget.

- for a friend, to let her know i understand.

Coffee Noise

She kept talking as if shopping was an everyday thing.

I just sat there half listening, half trying to drown out her noise, while wistfully wishing I had the same privileges as she. There must be a certain sense of freedom in being able to get whatever you want. Limitations are not as visible for some people as they are for others. Secretly, i envied her. She looked sophisticated, full of herself, pretty and bubbly in a way that irritates u in the long run, but bubbly nonetheless. Eventually, I drowned out her noise. There's no sense wanting to be her when I am just me.

-May 7, 2009
2:00pm, Bo's Coffee Club

Kiss Me

Kiss me and my world goes gray, where the lines waver and I cannot seem to hold anything in or keep anything out. You fill everything and hold everything. My restless thoughts stand frozen in a haloed daze. I can only feel you, breathe you, and I never want to stop. I am in a state of constantly wanting what is already in my arms. You have only to touch me and I am resonant, strung, held fixated on a feeling of finally finding the one thing that can keep me whole. Kiss me and I am alive. I am yours. I am...


Your picture. I had to look twice. I didn't realize i had forgotten how you looked. How everything about you was like. It was disconcerting to remember. It was a slow cold feeling felt only when it reached my hands. I curled them in self-preservation. Did i need this? I am a glutton for punishment. I find what does not need to be found. It hit me then that maybe I AM stuck. In the places and time where i've managed to leave pieces of my heart. I saw you, with the wind against your back, your arm holding love, and the words that you said ringing in my head, sounding like echoes bouncing on walls where words are muddled, jumbled, confusing, ringing, annoying, and slowly slowly making me shut them out. You looked happy. Well, pictures are never reliable truths. But I'd like to think you're happy. Because then it would not seem so bad that I left. It would not seem so wrong. And i would stop feeling the loss.


I love hearing you laugh at me. Even as I feel my face heat up from embarrassment or from your teasing, its the most wonderful feeling in the world. I touch your ear. I cant seem to stop touching you one way or the other. And my favorite spot? when i get to press my nose against your shoulder. You look at me with that certain look in your eyes and i just know my world is spinning right. Who would have thought that when you gave me that ride home, it would forever change my life? Haha.


I immediately notice the constriction at the back of my throat. And i slowly purse my lips as i breathe out what ive failed to breathe in. There it is again, that sinking feeling when i come across something i don't want to find. I am an idiot. Why do i torture myself with asinine thoughts and thoughts and thoughts, rendering myself into self-inflicted paralysis of the mind? Don't answer. A good friend of mine once told me I think too much. And that sooner or later, its gonna be the end of me. And i think he's right. I need to find some way to purge myself of hauntings. To stop looking for the ghosts that no one else wants to find. To make myself positive, luminous, joyful, resolute, shielded,

Somewhere. Nowhere.

I haven't thought of you in a long time. Now a song brings you back to me. And it surprises me how much i've forgotten, how far i've come from the consuming emptiness i once had from losing you.

I know you dont hear me anymore. My voice no longer calls to you from the dark and a lot of the demons that haunted you have been laid to rest. The phonecalls have stopped coming, and so have my dread of having to lock in every emotion you can always evoke from me. You dont look for me anymore, and i have stopped moving away.

Funny. Back then, i would never have thought that this day, this time, would come. Back then, i thought i'd never forget you, never find anyone quite like you, never ever be the same. I was wrong, wasn't I? You're there. I am here. And we are as different as we were. Now only as far apart.

"..together, share this smile..lover lay down..coz its over..lover lay down..say love, say love, say love..and i love you, could you love me?..could i love you, could you love me..? (Dave Matthews Band)

Thin Air

It's like you dropped off the face of the earth.
One minute we were bickering like old friends, old lovers.
Then the next thing I know,
I had forgotten you.