You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
Friday, November 4, 2011
I remember you, at the oddest times of my day, and the simple thought of you makes me smile. I rub my heart a little, happy at the ache that begins to warm me at the thought of you. I know you are busy and yet do you know how my heart grows and folds onto itself with happiness when I hear you say you love me? I rub my heart a little, always amazed. One year down and yet how can I put into words the feeling of holding life in my arms. Of holding you.
*To my bestfriend with benefits, I'm so lucky to have found you.
*To my bestfriend with benefits, I'm so lucky to have found you.
Funny how I used to do that--look for you. I used to scan seas of faces wherever I went, my heart choking me whenever I caught a glimpse in the corner of my eyes, thinking it must be you, and then realizing that all I saw was a resemblance. I used to take deep breaths and lulled myself with the disappointment, reminding myself that I should no longer be looking in the first place, that I would not even know what to expect from you should we be face to face again. I used to ride this fear of seeing you and yet not finding you anymore--of knowing for certain that what I kept hoping for was no longer there. Then you took that final step away from me, and all I remember was that I somehow died that December. I stopped looking for you. I stopped hoping. And the little pocket corners of my world stopped holding you in them.
Monday, October 31, 2011
I wish you to be happy. I want that most of all. I want to know that it was not all a mistake, and that life dealt each of us a destined hand. I want you to know you are remembered. And what once was will always be. But that things in the past are merely memories now, albeit powerful ones. And that no matter how many wishes are raised up in the still orange sky, there is no turning back. You and I are never to be in the same place again. Never to hold, never to touch. Never to do more than remember what once was. I am happy now. Greatly and painfully happy. And I wish the same for you. That you find more than you hope for, that you even try. That you do more than remember the past, but that you take a step to finding it again.
Friday, September 30, 2011
You see a glimpse of a life, and you realize that you were once a part of it. You were there, with those people, smiling, laughing, feeling totally out of place, and yet now that you look back, you realize, you were the only one who thought you didn't belong. You see those people, and you look at how their faces and bodies have changed, how time has either been kind or unkind, and yet somehow, you can't help feeling the past that you were once a part of. You are no longer a part of their world. They have gone on and moved on and left memories of you so far behind that it may be a wonder if they still remember you. The kids have grown up and you hardly recognize them anymore. They used to like you, maybe even love you at a time. Now, they don't know you as well. But then again, you wonder, what if..what if you had never left, would you be a part of them now?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Listening. Getz and Gilberto playing in the background. Brings me soft memories of you. How wonderful it is to revisit old times. Minus the heartaches, absent of the heartbreak. Falling in love wasn't so difficult then. We sat on your back porch swing, and you laid your head on my lap. Getz and Gilberto playing in the background. Made solid memories of you. I remember sitting there and not really knowing what was to come. Just thinking that at that moment, I was there. So were you. Somehow that was all it took, for a single memory to forever hold so much meaning. Then your dad looked in through the curtain of the glass door. And it was time to head back inside.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Oh, I get poked too. From time to time. Here and there. Little things that are so subtle sometimes that it passes me by until a moment seizes me and freezes time. Then, I am transported back to you. I remember glimpses, flashes, and feelings mostly. I remember the thoughts and the unquestioned possibilities from a different time. But I am in a forgiving state now. Forgiving to myself, to you. To all the little failures between us. To all the wishes that never had a chance to lift off. To the love that didn't stand a chance. It was real, wasn't it? I've learned to detach myself so well that I often wonder if I didn't imagine half of it all. But you're there--poking me. Telling me things that are not hardly ever possible now. But it's worth a smile to read. And to understand where it's all coming from.
Friday, June 3, 2011
This is like therapy. Funny how someone so distant can suddenly seem so near and yet a thousand milestones could never measure the space between us. But I see you. I hear you. And your words light a fire on memories long chained and sunk under deep waters. I cannot feel you anymore. But I can feel me. I can close my eyes and understand what you're saying. And sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can remember. Funny how after all this time, remembering can make everything so real again. The only time machine a person ever needs is the mind. And yet the mind is also so painfully deceptive that you cannot trust what it brings back to you. But I see you. And I hear you. And I hope listening to you puts back together what was once broken. Even in just a little way.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I see you and your snapshots. I see your life and mine. Two sides of a coin really. Connected but forever having different points of view. We may go the same direction, meet and greet at one point, but I see you. And I see what you have. It is not all bitterness inside me, so don't get me wrong. I don't want to be you. But I envy you some. Envy you the things I know I can never have. It's not a question of getting really. Life after all does not deal fair hands. It's the twist of fate and the constant sun that it shines on you that I envy. The easiness of it all. I wonder what you must think when you wake up in the morning and everything is there--without trying, without effort. That is what I envy. That and nothing more.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
You hurt me. With actions. With words. Like a little imp that claws slowly but deeply inside, the pain is instant the minute it sinks its claws in, then steady as it rips it open. You would not understand even if I bothered explaining. You always think it's not big enough, impressive enough, to be justified with all the drama. But it's always the small things that matter. Always the little steps that take us somewhere we don't want to go. You've been there. I have too. I think I have always been in that place of never healing. Just the sound of your voice giving reasons strikes the emptiness in my heart. It slowly draws out every breath inside me until I am holding nothing in. I gasp. Painful to breath with my chest so full of everything I wish I don't feel. Damn you.