Friday, September 28, 2012


I am miserable, can you tell?

Sometimes I lie awake staring at nothing, feeling nothing. And it’s the saddest feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like glass, fragile, translucent, close to a breaking point that I cannot quite understand. I tell myself silly stories. I dream them. And when I wake up, the stark reality of what I see fazes me. I do not know what I am built for. I used to think I am made of sterner stuff. After everything, I thought I must be one tough person to be able to have withstood a shattering. But maybe, just maybe, the shattering hasn’t really stopped.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I Had A Dream

We've moved on, haven't we? I hear the echoes in your silence. And the pictures I see tell me the stories I do not need to tell. I am reminded of long conversations and flashes of moments quite faded into memories. I remember now, slow as a trickle, how I have taken for granted so many of the things that should have meant so much. But because it has been so long, and we have moved so far, there is only a distant ringing. And of course, the single sigh. You have awakened in me so many facets of my being. I did not know how to be myself then, but I do now. It would perhaps have made a lot of difference had I known then, but I doubt the journey would have been the same. You are a lucid memory. Always will be.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


If I close my eyes right now, I can almost smell the sea and feel the heat of the sun burning into me. I hear the waves crashing as it lulls and disturbs my peace at the same time. I know you are there. The beach will always bring me to you. Your bronzed skin and easy smile urges me to close my eyes and savor moments. I hear music in the background. Your songs. They are so much a part of me now. I can always tell which playlist they belong to. Haha. I open my eyes a little and see your hand near mine. Our ring on your finger. I want a getaway. When can you take me there?


Your hands. I love looking at your hands. Both graceful and so strong. They move with a deliberate ease that is sexy and relaxing at the same time. I could spend hours just watching you at work. And when you're done, you look at me, and take my hand into yours, and the warmth in them seeps into my bones and my world tilts on the side of happy. I love your hands. They take me into dreams and right beside you.


to feel you move
to watch my belly ripple like waves as you roll over
nothing will ever come close to this feeling
no words
can describe
it's just you and me
and will be until you greet the world with your eyes
I can't wait to take your little hand
and hold it in mine
and tell you that everything will be alright
that nothing is perfect
but you and I are real
you and I
are one.


I could deal with looking at your new pictures. They show me a different man from the one I've known, someone I hardly know anymore. But coming across an old photo, it was jarring. I paused and froze in place, my heart rushing to my throat and choking me until I realized I've held my breath. There you were, looking ten years younger, and looking at you made the memories rush in so fast, I could not have prepared for it. There were photos of you before you knew me, and photos of you after. One came close to when we would have already met and it filled me with so much pain to see you just as I remembered you before. And then, when I could breathe and let go of everything that was gripping me, my heart expanded and came to terms again. It was really a different time, wasn't it? Perhaps a once in a lifetime moment where you find a place in the world that makes sense and reality is nothing but that person with you. That was what that time was like for me. Every experience, every feeling, was centered around nothing and no one but you. And so perhaps it consumed me in ways that I will never understand. And in ways that took about a decade to get over. Because I can let go now, I can breathe. But because it was so important back then, I will always remember. I wasn't the happiest girl then. I was insecure and filled with much of nothing that I had no idea of half of what I was doing. So perhaps things have a reason for unfolding. And things have a way of working out and falling into its right place. You are there, somewhere. And I am here. We are linked by a past we can't seem to let go, and yet I have the surest feeling that where we are now is where we should be. Thank you for the memories.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Small World

You would think that an island stretching 225km from north to south would be big enough for the two of us. But it seems that no matter how long or how wide the space, there is nothing like the space between us. I still hear about you, I still wonder sometimes if you are standing in the same space that I had occupied. People talk and the walls always have eyes and ears. Words find ways to reach me, and any news of you is never welcome, although now swallowed with a grain of understanding and acceptance. It's been so long. One time, while on the road, it came to me just how long it has been. And how truly tragic everything went down. And how different things have gotten. And yet how truly fascinating to still remember and be taken back to that time again and again. It was something, wasn't it? I may not want it anymore, but whatever was there once upon a time was something wonderful. Enough to make me remember it so well. Enough to make me smile sadly at times. Just..enough.