Girl From Ipanema

Listening. Getz and Gilberto playing in the background. Brings me soft memories of you. How wonderful it is to revisit old times. Minus the heartaches, absent of the heartbreak. Falling in love wasn't so difficult then. We sat on your back porch swing, and you laid your head on my lap. Getz and Gilberto playing in the background. Made solid memories of you. I remember sitting there and not really knowing what was to come. Just thinking that at that moment, I was there. So were you. Somehow that was all it took, for a single memory to forever hold so much meaning. Then your dad looked in through the curtain of the glass door. And it was time to head back inside.

Coffee and Daydreams

Oh, I get poked too. From time to time. Here and there. Little things that are so subtle sometimes that it passes me by until a moment seizes me and freezes time. Then, I am transported back to you. I remember glimpses, flashes, and feelings mostly. I remember the thoughts and the unquestioned possibilities from a different time. But I am in a forgiving state now. Forgiving to myself, to you. To all the little failures between us. To all the wishes that never had a chance to lift off. To the love that didn't stand a chance. It was real, wasn't it? I've learned to detach myself so well that I often wonder if I didn't imagine half of it all. But you're there--poking me. Telling me things that are not hardly ever possible now. But it's worth a smile to read. And to understand where it's all coming from.

Peek-a-boo

This is like therapy. Funny how someone so distant can suddenly seem so near and yet a thousand milestones could never measure the space between us. But I see you. I hear you. And your words light a fire on memories long chained and sunk under deep waters. I cannot feel you anymore. But I can feel me. I can close my eyes and understand what you're saying. And sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can remember. Funny how after all this time, remembering can make everything so real again. The only time machine a person ever needs is the mind. And yet the mind is also so painfully deceptive that you cannot trust what it brings back to you. But I see you. And I hear you. And I hope listening to you puts back together what was once broken. Even in just a little way.

Window Still

I see you and your snapshots. I see your life and mine. Two sides of a coin really. Connected but forever having different points of view. We may go the same direction, meet and greet at one point, but I see you. And I see what you have. It is not all bitterness inside me, so don't get me wrong. I don't want to be you. But I envy you some. Envy you the things I know I can never have. It's not a question of getting really. Life after all does not deal fair hands. It's the twist of fate and the constant sun that it shines on you that I envy. The easiness of it all. I wonder what you must think when you wake up in the morning and everything is there--without trying, without effort. That is what I envy. That and nothing more.

Unintentional

You hurt me. With actions. With words. Like a little imp that claws slowly but deeply inside, the pain is instant the minute it sinks its claws in, then steady as it rips it open. You would not understand even if I bothered explaining. You always think it's not big enough, impressive enough, to be justified with all the drama. But it's always the small things that matter. Always the little steps that take us somewhere we don't want to go. You've been there. I have too. I think I have always been in that place of never healing. Just the sound of your voice giving reasons strikes the emptiness in my heart. It slowly draws out every breath inside me until I am holding nothing in. I gasp. Painful to breath with my chest so full of everything I wish I don't feel. Damn you.

Skipping Beats

I don't think you will ever understand. What it's like to look at you. To realize I have been holding my breath and to find myself surprised at the unconscious reaction. With you, I always want more. Of whatever you can give, whatever you have for me. I find myself needing so much of you that it fills me inside til I am bursting with needs. I look at you and I feel love. Not earth-shattering heartbreaking, but mind-numbing, bursting, enveloping. Can I compare? Where do I start measuring? With you, I am simply amazed. A tendency to lose myself in you brings me to pause. Can I survive the chance of loss? Can I even help myself? Silly questions. With you, I am alive.

Hello

There I go again, chasing after the past. Just a tiny crack and I slip through. If the world were in shades of grey, it would remind me of you. Like postcards or film shots; things in the past. Better left uncovered or buried deeper yet. But in slipping, I wonder: do you remember me still? how are you? what goes on now in that racy mind of yours? .. the fascination is not as strong..slow and soft now, but nonetheless, there.