Memories

I could deal with looking at your new pictures. They show me a different man from the one I've known, someone I hardly know anymore. But coming across an old photo, it was jarring. I paused and froze in place, my heart rushing to my throat and choking me until I realized I've held my breath. There you were, looking ten years younger, and looking at you made the memories rush in so fast, I could not have prepared for it. There were photos of you before you knew me, and photos of you after. One came close to when we would have already met and it filled me with so much pain to see you just as I remembered you before. And then, when I could breathe and let go of everything that was gripping me, my heart expanded and came to terms again. It was really a different time, wasn't it? Perhaps a once in a lifetime moment where you find a place in the world that makes sense and reality is nothing but that person with you. That was what that time was like for me. Every experience, every feeling, was centered around nothing and no one but you. And so perhaps it consumed me in ways that I will never understand. And in ways that took about a decade to get over. Because I can let go now, I can breathe. But because it was so important back then, I will always remember. I wasn't the happiest girl then. I was insecure and filled with much of nothing that I had no idea of half of what I was doing. So perhaps things have a reason for unfolding. And things have a way of working out and falling into its right place. You are there, somewhere. And I am here. We are linked by a past we can't seem to let go, and yet I have the surest feeling that where we are now is where we should be. Thank you for the memories.

Small World

You would think that an island stretching 225km from north to south would be big enough for the two of us. But it seems that no matter how long or how wide the space, there is nothing like the space between us. I still hear about you, I still wonder sometimes if you are standing in the same space that I had occupied. People talk and the walls always have eyes and ears. Words find ways to reach me, and any news of you is never welcome, although now swallowed with a grain of understanding and acceptance. It's been so long. One time, while on the road, it came to me just how long it has been. And how truly tragic everything went down. And how different things have gotten. And yet how truly fascinating to still remember and be taken back to that time again and again. It was something, wasn't it? I may not want it anymore, but whatever was there once upon a time was something wonderful. Enough to make me remember it so well. Enough to make me smile sadly at times. Just..enough.

You Could Be Happy

You Could Be Happy
(Snow Patrol)

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

A Year Down

I remember you, at the oddest times of my day, and the simple thought of you makes me smile. I rub my heart a little, happy at the ache that begins to warm me at the thought of you. I know you are busy and yet do you know how my heart grows and folds onto itself with happiness when I hear you say you love me? I rub my heart a little, always amazed. One year down and yet how can I put into words the feeling of holding life in my arms. Of holding you.

*To my bestfriend with benefits, I'm so lucky to have found you.

Pocket Corners

Funny how I used to do that--look for you. I used to scan seas of faces wherever I went, my heart choking me whenever I caught a glimpse in the corner of my eyes, thinking it must be you, and then realizing that all I saw was a resemblance. I used to take deep breaths and lulled myself with the disappointment, reminding myself that I should no longer be looking in the first place, that I would not even know what to expect from you should we be face to face again. I used to ride this fear of seeing you and yet not finding you anymore--of knowing for certain that what I kept hoping for was no longer there. Then you took that final step away from me, and all I remember was that I somehow died that December. I stopped looking for you. I stopped hoping. And the little pocket corners of my world stopped holding you in them.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time. That says it all, doesn't it?

Well Wishes

I wish you to be happy. I want that most of all. I want to know that it was not all a mistake, and that life dealt each of us a destined hand. I want you to know you are remembered. And what once was will always be. But that things in the past are merely memories now, albeit powerful ones. And that no matter how many wishes are raised up in the still orange sky, there is no turning back. You and I are never to be in the same place again. Never to hold, never to touch. Never to do more than remember what once was. I am happy now. Greatly and painfully happy. And I wish the same for you. That you find more than you hope for, that you even try. That you do more than remember the past, but that you take a step to finding it again.