Years Later

Me at a coffeeshop, coffee in hand and words in my mind.  This feels familiar--I was here, at a previous time and a different space.  And in a lot of ways, I am different too.  Older, definitely.  Wiser? I would like to think so.  I read through my previous posts and realize how sad I was, how desolate.  I was drowning and did not seem to know it.  Or maybe I did know, and I was treading memories to keep afloat. To not sink into them when they were so strong.

I am better now.  My heart is full and on most days, bursting.  I have lesser voices in my head, reminding me of long lost love.  The universe still pokes me from time to time.  And some skeletons of the past refuse to remain buried.  They give me phone calls every now and then.  A text message, or a post showing up on my wall that takes me years back.  But they do not faze me as much.  Or if they do, I have learned to quickly get myself back.  I am better now.   And in saying so, I realize I really am.

Heartbroken

Where you used to be, there are shadows.  Of the person that I knew.  Of the man that I fell in love with. Where you used to be, there is silence.  And I miss hearing the inflections in your voice as you talk to me.  Perhaps I imagined it all? perhaps the reason why I expect too much is because I saw too much...want too much? From you.  But I am bleeding dry now.  From inside out. I am losing the feelings either you or I have built in our time. I've been trying to tell you. I think I've been shouting out my pain.  But you don't listen, are not listening.  And you look at me like I have slowly lost my mind. When did you stop looking at me like you used to?  When did I notice the change? Or perhaps this was all it had ever been and I just saw too much, expected too much, wanted too much.

I am bleeding dry now.
And running so close to empty.
And I can hear your answers in your silence.

A Broken Me and You

I feel sad listening to the tinkling of the broken pieces inside you as you speak.  I can tell, I hear the same sound inside of me sometimes.  Perhaps mine have dulled or I've gotten so used to the sound in me that it fails to resonate now.  Perhaps.  Or I have simply forgotten.  But there's that sound again, in you.  And I understand how painful the edges must be of the jagged parts that you are hiding.  Perhaps I am the only person who will ever know what it's like.  The only one who can understand the need to move despite how each painful step jars those broken pieces time and again.  I hear you.  And I feel sad listening to the tinkling of the broken pieces as you speak.  Let's sit in our silence for a moment.  We don't need the words really.  I hear you.

Regrets

There will be times in our lives when promises are given more freely, and believing them is easier.  When we feel invincible and timeless and unconquerable.  When it's easier to allow ourselves to feel and the thoughts in our heads may be as confusing, but not as cluttered or easily forgotten.  When the little joys are more important than the end goals.  When love is the only important thing in the world.

Savor that time.  It too...passes.

Wrinkle in Time

It is discomforting...
to know
that nothing
quite inspires me
the way you do.
And that
no one
can impressively
break my heart
the way
you can.

September

I am miserable, can you tell?

Sometimes I lie awake staring at nothing, feeling nothing. And it’s the saddest feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like glass, fragile, translucent, close to a breaking point that I cannot quite understand. I tell myself silly stories. I dream them. And when I wake up, the stark reality of what I see fazes me. I do not know what I am built for. I used to think I am made of sterner stuff. After everything, I thought I must be one tough person to be able to have withstood a shattering. But maybe, just maybe, the shattering hasn’t really stopped.

I Had A Dream

We've moved on, haven't we? I hear the echoes in your silence. And the pictures I see tell me the stories I do not need to tell. I am reminded of long conversations and flashes of moments quite faded into memories. I remember now, slow as a trickle, how I have taken for granted so many of the things that should have meant so much. But because it has been so long, and we have moved so far, there is only a distant ringing. And of course, the single sigh. You have awakened in me so many facets of my being. I did not know how to be myself then, but I do now. It would perhaps have made a lot of difference had I known then, but I doubt the journey would have been the same. You are a lucid memory. Always will be.

Getaway

If I close my eyes right now, I can almost smell the sea and feel the heat of the sun burning into me. I hear the waves crashing as it lulls and disturbs my peace at the same time. I know you are there. The beach will always bring me to you. Your bronzed skin and easy smile urges me to close my eyes and savor moments. I hear music in the background. Your songs. They are so much a part of me now. I can always tell which playlist they belong to. Haha. I open my eyes a little and see your hand near mine. Our ring on your finger. I want a getaway. When can you take me there?

Hands

Your hands. I love looking at your hands. Both graceful and so strong. They move with a deliberate ease that is sexy and relaxing at the same time. I could spend hours just watching you at work. And when you're done, you look at me, and take my hand into yours, and the warmth in them seeps into my bones and my world tilts on the side of happy. I love your hands. They take me into dreams and right beside you.

Life

Excited
to feel you move
to watch my belly ripple like waves as you roll over
nothing will ever come close to this feeling
no words
can describe
it's just you and me
and will be until you greet the world with your eyes
I can't wait to take your little hand
and hold it in mine
and tell you that everything will be alright
that nothing is perfect
but you and I are real
you and I
are one.

Memories

I could deal with looking at your new pictures. They show me a different man from the one I've known, someone I hardly know anymore. But coming across an old photo, it was jarring. I paused and froze in place, my heart rushing to my throat and choking me until I realized I've held my breath. There you were, looking ten years younger, and looking at you made the memories rush in so fast, I could not have prepared for it. There were photos of you before you knew me, and photos of you after. One came close to when we would have already met and it filled me with so much pain to see you just as I remembered you before. And then, when I could breathe and let go of everything that was gripping me, my heart expanded and came to terms again. It was really a different time, wasn't it? Perhaps a once in a lifetime moment where you find a place in the world that makes sense and reality is nothing but that person with you. That was what that time was like for me. Every experience, every feeling, was centered around nothing and no one but you. And so perhaps it consumed me in ways that I will never understand. And in ways that took about a decade to get over. Because I can let go now, I can breathe. But because it was so important back then, I will always remember. I wasn't the happiest girl then. I was insecure and filled with much of nothing that I had no idea of half of what I was doing. So perhaps things have a reason for unfolding. And things have a way of working out and falling into its right place. You are there, somewhere. And I am here. We are linked by a past we can't seem to let go, and yet I have the surest feeling that where we are now is where we should be. Thank you for the memories.

Small World

You would think that an island stretching 225km from north to south would be big enough for the two of us. But it seems that no matter how long or how wide the space, there is nothing like the space between us. I still hear about you, I still wonder sometimes if you are standing in the same space that I had occupied. People talk and the walls always have eyes and ears. Words find ways to reach me, and any news of you is never welcome, although now swallowed with a grain of understanding and acceptance. It's been so long. One time, while on the road, it came to me just how long it has been. And how truly tragic everything went down. And how different things have gotten. And yet how truly fascinating to still remember and be taken back to that time again and again. It was something, wasn't it? I may not want it anymore, but whatever was there once upon a time was something wonderful. Enough to make me remember it so well. Enough to make me smile sadly at times. Just..enough.

You Could Be Happy

You Could Be Happy
(Snow Patrol)

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

A Year Down

I remember you, at the oddest times of my day, and the simple thought of you makes me smile. I rub my heart a little, happy at the ache that begins to warm me at the thought of you. I know you are busy and yet do you know how my heart grows and folds onto itself with happiness when I hear you say you love me? I rub my heart a little, always amazed. One year down and yet how can I put into words the feeling of holding life in my arms. Of holding you.

*To my bestfriend with benefits, I'm so lucky to have found you.

Pocket Corners

Funny how I used to do that--look for you. I used to scan seas of faces wherever I went, my heart choking me whenever I caught a glimpse in the corner of my eyes, thinking it must be you, and then realizing that all I saw was a resemblance. I used to take deep breaths and lulled myself with the disappointment, reminding myself that I should no longer be looking in the first place, that I would not even know what to expect from you should we be face to face again. I used to ride this fear of seeing you and yet not finding you anymore--of knowing for certain that what I kept hoping for was no longer there. Then you took that final step away from me, and all I remember was that I somehow died that December. I stopped looking for you. I stopped hoping. And the little pocket corners of my world stopped holding you in them.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time. That says it all, doesn't it?

Well Wishes

I wish you to be happy. I want that most of all. I want to know that it was not all a mistake, and that life dealt each of us a destined hand. I want you to know you are remembered. And what once was will always be. But that things in the past are merely memories now, albeit powerful ones. And that no matter how many wishes are raised up in the still orange sky, there is no turning back. You and I are never to be in the same place again. Never to hold, never to touch. Never to do more than remember what once was. I am happy now. Greatly and painfully happy. And I wish the same for you. That you find more than you hope for, that you even try. That you do more than remember the past, but that you take a step to finding it again.

Stolen Shots

You see a glimpse of a life, and you realize that you were once a part of it. You were there, with those people, smiling, laughing, feeling totally out of place, and yet now that you look back, you realize, you were the only one who thought you didn't belong. You see those people, and you look at how their faces and bodies have changed, how time has either been kind or unkind, and yet somehow, you can't help feeling the past that you were once a part of. You are no longer a part of their world. They have gone on and moved on and left memories of you so far behind that it may be a wonder if they still remember you. The kids have grown up and you hardly recognize them anymore. They used to like you, maybe even love you at a time. Now, they don't know you as well. But then again, you wonder, what if..what if you had never left, would you be a part of them now?

Girl From Ipanema

Listening. Getz and Gilberto playing in the background. Brings me soft memories of you. How wonderful it is to revisit old times. Minus the heartaches, absent of the heartbreak. Falling in love wasn't so difficult then. We sat on your back porch swing, and you laid your head on my lap. Getz and Gilberto playing in the background. Made solid memories of you. I remember sitting there and not really knowing what was to come. Just thinking that at that moment, I was there. So were you. Somehow that was all it took, for a single memory to forever hold so much meaning. Then your dad looked in through the curtain of the glass door. And it was time to head back inside.

Coffee and Daydreams

Oh, I get poked too. From time to time. Here and there. Little things that are so subtle sometimes that it passes me by until a moment seizes me and freezes time. Then, I am transported back to you. I remember glimpses, flashes, and feelings mostly. I remember the thoughts and the unquestioned possibilities from a different time. But I am in a forgiving state now. Forgiving to myself, to you. To all the little failures between us. To all the wishes that never had a chance to lift off. To the love that didn't stand a chance. It was real, wasn't it? I've learned to detach myself so well that I often wonder if I didn't imagine half of it all. But you're there--poking me. Telling me things that are not hardly ever possible now. But it's worth a smile to read. And to understand where it's all coming from.